Bdtyktl

I'm a male in my mid 20s and I've been working at a multinational corporation for about a year. For a couple of months I've had a crush on a female coworker that I've never interacted with (we work on the same floor, but different teams). We've never talked, as I chose not to go over my way to interact with her. Also, she seems to be ignoring me, but I think she does that with all people she doesn't know.

During the first days of Spring, a local custom (I live in Eastern Europe) is for males to make small gestures toward their female peers that consist in giving traditional objects as gifts. It is perfectly acceptable (even somewhat expected) to make such a gesture towards a female friend or colleague, but uncommon with strangers (although not unheard of).

I am considering using this occasion to make such a gesture towards her, by leaving a small gift and a signed card on her desk early in the morning, leaving it to her if she wants to contact me to say thank you/chat or to ignore the gesture altogether. I am concerned for the gesture not to be considered inappropriate by her or her colleagues.

Can such gesture be seen as inappropriate, or even a mild form of harassment? I would hate for the workplace environment to become awkward in any way following this.

Thank you very much for your answers! They were all very helpful. I chose Mister Positive's because it is closest to how I also see the situation.

Is it appropriate to make a gesture towards a female coworker?

In a word, no, do not do this -- local custom or not.

At the moment, you barely have a professional relationship with this person. You are not even friends. You also mentioned that she is currently ignoring you -- this might mean she is either already in a relationship or she is not in to you.

Also, consider if she takes your gesture as harassment, you might find yourself in the HR Spotlight and potentially unemployed.

I would also go a step further and say if at all possible, keep your professional life and romantic life separate. Imagine if you do form a romantic relationship with this person, and break up. How awkward will it be for you and her when you have to see each other at work?

It sounds to me that you wish to use this custom as an ice breaker. That, I would argue, is inappropriate. You do not know this person well enough to gauge her reaction. To do this with someone you are even a little more familiar with might be a bit more acceptable.

This can only end poorly. She will likely feel a social obligation to say thank you, which will lead you to think you have an opening that isn't really there. Or she will be creeped out. Or she will be annoyed and you will be hurt. Then the two of you have to go to work every single day being awkward with each other.

Romantic gestures toward people you don't know aren't romantic; they're stalkerish. Don't use this as a crutch to avoid approaching her and saying "hello". Get to know her. Then, maybe, risk the dangers of a workplace romance (which I would seriously caution you about. (Very seriously.))

This whole answer also doesn't even touch on the very real possibility that workplace romance could be expressly forbidden at your company.

Can such gesture be seen as inappropriate, or even a mild form of harassment?

You say that this is "a local custom (I live in Eastern Europe) is for males to make small gestures toward their female peers that consist in giving traditional objects as gifts."

You also mention that "It is perfectly acceptable (even somewhat expected) to make such a gesture towards a female friend or colleague"

Given these facts and context you provided, and that this female is a colleague of yours, I think you already answered yourself, and we can say that this gesture is ok and unlikely to be seen as inappropriate or harassment.

However, I suggest you ask around with some coworkers that you are close to what they think about this gesture, and if it is acceptable and practiced in your company. This will help you be 100% sure that this will not have any fallout on you.

I also suggest you try to approach her and start to know each other in a more classic way (greeting, saying good morning, etc.), as just dropping a gesture out of nowhere from someone you don't know much can be seen a bit out of place.

If, after doing this probing and thinking it, you are still not sure, the best thing would be not to give the gesture and start to know each other more organically.

While I do lack the applicable cultural knowledge, I'd still suggest not doing it.

She doesn't know you, so:

• It would be hard to put the gesture into proper context regarding what the purpose of it was.


• The best case interpretation is that some guy is interested in her - for most women, this isn't news.


• The leap from never having spoken to giving her a gift may be jarring and imply that you'd have problems with proper social etiquette (or, in other words, it may come across as a bit creepy).


• If she is indeed also interested, she will still need to, in some sense, "make the first move" - she will need to start the first conversation with you, which is still quite a lot of pressure to put on her. This doesn't make the gesture more or less appropriate, but it does make it less likely to succeed.


• If she hasn't given any sign that she's interested, she probably isn't. (But of course she may become interested if you get to know each other more "naturally".)

Instead, I'd suggest simply starting to talk to her.

Say hello when walking past her. If you run into her in the elevator or some other scenario where you'd spend a few moments together, introduce yourself (if necessary), ask her what she does at the company (if you don't know) and how her day is going. Later you can ask things like what she did over the weekend. You can build on that until you're at a point where asking her out would be appropriate. Or the interaction would fizzle out, in which case you wouldn't have lost much, and you'd have gained a pretty good signal that you won't be a great match.

Note, however, that many people strongly recommend against getting romantically involved with coworkers and some companies even have policies around this (whether disallowing it or requiring you to tell HR).